The Burden That Builds : The Hidden Cost of Staying and the Courage to Climb Higher

The Choice

Some journeys look perfect on paper.

Wide. Well-marked. Affordable. Efficient.

They promise predictable footing and a gentle grade. No technical scrambles. No exposure. No risk of sudden storms rolling over the ridgeline.

And yet, when your boots finally touch the dirt, something in your body hesitates.

Your breathing is shallow.
Your shoulders don’t drop.
The horizon feels… closed in.

You keep walking. Because it makes sense. Because it’s practical. Because everyone around you says, “This is the best route.”

But your chest never quite expands.

Yesterday, one of my college students sat across from me carrying a decision like that in her pack.

For years, she had a dream school. The kind you circle in brochures. The kind you imagine yourself becoming at. But when she toured the campus, something didn’t click. It wasn’t dramatic. No red flags. No glaring issues.

Just a quiet absence of resonance.

She’s the kind of woman who comes alive on ridgelines — lungs full of cold air, hands dusty from switchbacks, eyes drawn to distant summits. An outdoorsy soul whose nervous system seems to regulate at elevation.

So I asked her, gently:

“Why not consider schools out west?”

She paused. Long enough to reveal the real answer before she spoke it.

“Cost,” she said.

And without planning the words, I told her something I’ve come to believe more deeply with age, parenting, and a few hard climbs of my own:

Everything in life will cost you something.
The question is not whether you’ll pay.
It’s what you’re willing to pay for.

That sentence has been echoing in me ever since.

Because it wasn’t just about her decision.

It was about mine.
And yours.
And every quiet compromise we’ve ever labeled “reasonable.”

Currency Used to Have Weight

In the ancient world, money wasn’t abstract. It wasn’t numbers on a screen or a swipe of plastic. It had density. Tangibility. Gravity.

Silver shekels.
Gold talents.
Bronze coins heavy in the palm.

Value was literally measured by weight.

You didn’t just think about cost — you felt it. If something cost more, your hand knew it before your mind did. The burden was physical, undeniable, honest.

There’s something psychologically wise about that.

Because even today, though our transactions have become weightless, our decisions have not. We still use the language of mass and gravity without realizing it:

“This decision weighs on me.”
“That responsibility feels heavy.”
“I’m trying to balance my options.”
“That choice carries a lot of weight.”

Our language hasn’t forgotten what our culture has tried to obscure: every meaningful choice carries load.

And cognitive psychology supports this intuition. Decision-making research shows that complex life choices create measurable cognitive load, increasing stress, rumination, and emotional conflict when options are misaligned with personal values.

The mind knows when it’s carrying something.

The deeper question is — which weight do you want to carry?

The Illusion of Free

For my student, staying local would mean free tuition. No loans. No debt statements arriving like monthly weather reports. No financial strain tightening the budget like a cinched-down hip belt.

On paper, it’s the obvious choice. The responsible choice. The choice that earns approving nods from parents, advisors, and spreadsheets alike.

But hikers learn something quickly at altitude:

Not every easy trail leads somewhere you actually want to be.

Staying local might cost her nothing financially.

But it might cost her something more difficult to quantify:

• The landscape that regulates her nervous system
• The adventure that expands her sense of identity
• The psychological growth that comes from new terrain
• The subtle but powerful experience of feeling at home in her environment

Psychologists call this person–environment fit — the degree to which an individual’s traits, values, and needs align with their surroundings. Research consistently shows that when people live and work in environments congruent with their identities, they experience higher well-being, motivation, and long-term success.

Misalignment, on the other hand, creates a chronic, low-grade friction. Not always dramatic. Often survivable. But rarely conducive to flourishing.

You can live in the wrong landscape.

But you rarely thrive there.

A free education isn’t free if it costs your spirit.

And a costly education isn’t foolish if it fuels your becoming.

The Mountain That Makes You Come Alive

There are people who enjoy mountains.

And there are people who regulate there.

Their breathing slows.
Their shoulders lower.
Their mind quiets.
The world, suddenly, makes sense again.

Neuroscience offers language for this. Natural environments have been shown to reduce cortisol levels, restore attentional capacity, and improve mood through what researchers call attention restoration theory. Exposure to nature literally recalibrates the nervous system, shifting individuals from chronic vigilance toward regulated presence.

For some, mountains aren’t just scenic — they are regulating landscapes.

Going out west for her wouldn’t just be a geographic relocation. It would be a relational alignment between identity and environment. Between who she is and where she is planted.

Yes, it might mean loans.
Yes, it might mean working harder.
Yes, it might mean financial strain that requires budgeting discipline and part-time work.

But it might also mean coming alive.

And self-determination theory reminds us that intrinsic motivation — the kind rooted in identity, autonomy, and purpose — is one of the strongest predictors of sustained effort and long-term fulfillment.

When we are aligned with our calling, we endure hardship differently. The load remains heavy, but it becomes meaningful.

And meaningful weight is carried with stronger legs.

Debt vs. Diminishment

We are rightly warned about financial debt. It accrues interest. It appears on statements. It has numbers, timelines, and repayment plans.

But there is another kind of debt rarely discussed in career advising sessions or family dinner tables.

Call it diminishment debt.
Or perhaps more honestly, soul debt.

It accumulates quietly:

• “I wonder who I could have become.”
• “I stayed because it was safe.”
• “I chose comfort over calling.”

Unlike financial debt, this kind does not send monthly reminders. It surfaces later — in restlessness, midlife reevaluations, or a subtle ache that life somehow shrank along the way.

Existential psychology has long recognized this phenomenon. Holocaust survivor Frankl described the human need for meaning as fundamental, noting that the absence of meaningful pursuit often produces an “existential vacuum” marked by boredom, apathy, and quiet despair.

Financial debt is visible and measurable.

Diminishment is invisible and cumulative.

And here’s the sobering truth: both are real costs.

The issue is not avoiding cost altogether. That is impossible. Leadership research consistently emphasizes that trade-offs are inherent in every meaningful decision; effective leaders are distinguished not by avoiding sacrifice, but by consciously choosing which sacrifices align with their mission.

The tragedy is not paying a price.

The tragedy is pretending there isn’t one.

Hiking at Altitude: Adjusting Your Cadence

Anyone who has climbed above treeline knows this: you cannot maintain sea-level cadence at high elevation.

The air thins.
Oxygen drops.
Your lungs work harder for each breath.

If you insist on the same pace, you burn out quickly. Smart climbers adjust rhythm. Shorter steps. Intentional breathing. Slower, steadier movement.

Life transitions work the same way.

Choosing the higher path — the one that stretches you — often requires a different cadence. New budgeting habits. More disciplined time management. A willingness to endure temporary discomfort for long-term growth.

Leadership scholars refer to this as adaptive challenge — situations that require not just technical solutions, but personal growth and identity shifts. Adaptive challenges stretch our existing capacities, forcing us to evolve rather than simply execute familiar routines.

Going west for her would be altitude hiking.

More effort.
More planning.
More strain.

But altitude also brings perspective.

At sea level, you see what’s immediately in front of you.
At elevation, entire valleys and ridgelines come into view.

Some people are wired for that perspective.
And denying that wiring has a cost too.

The Gold Standard of a Life

Remember the gold standard? The era when currency was backed by tangible value.

Maybe that metaphor runs deeper than economics.

What is the gold backing your life?

Is it stability?
Adventure?
Proximity to family?
Calling?
Service?
Beauty?
Contribution?

Values-based decision-making research suggests that when choices align with deeply held personal values, individuals report greater life satisfaction and resilience, even in the face of stress. When your decisions are backed by your internal gold, the weight feels purposeful — not crushing.

When they are backed only by external expectations, even light choices feel heavy.

Because they lack intrinsic backing.

The Harder Reflection: Turning the Mirror

But here’s the uncomfortable truth that has lingered with me since that conversation.

It’s easy to counsel a 20-year-old about cost.

It’s harder to turn that mirror back on ourselves.

Where am I staying because it’s “free”?
Where have I rationalized, “This makes financial sense,” while quietly knowing, “But this isn’t home”?
Where am I avoiding altitude because it will demand a different cadence?

Most of us have west-of-the-Mississippi decisions.

Not all involve geography.

Some involve relationships we’ve outgrown but still inhabit.
Some involve careers that are stable but no longer life-giving.
Some involve creative callings we’ve postponed in favor of predictability.
Some involve stepping into leadership roles that feel heavy because they stretch our identity.

In each case, the same principle holds:

Everything will cost you something.
The question is what you’re willing to pay for.

Choosing Your Weight

There is a quiet strength that emerges when you consciously choose your burden.

On a long climb, your pack always feels heavy. But it feels different when you packed it intentionally. When you selected each item with foresight, purpose, and ownership.

Resentment grows when we feel forced.
Resilience grows when we feel chosen.

Research on locus of control supports this distinction: individuals who perceive themselves as active agents in their decisions demonstrate higher psychological resilience and lower stress than those who feel decisions are externally imposed.

If she stays local with conviction — because she values graduating debt-free and building financial stability — that is strength.

If she goes west and embraces the financial strain as the price of becoming — that is strength too.

The courage is not in one option over the other.

The courage is in clarity.

The Question We Cannot Avoid

So let me leave you with this:

What decision in your life right now feels heavy?

Have you honestly named what it’s costing you… either way?

And more importantly…

Which weight are you willing to carry up the mountain?

Because the truth is, you are already paying something. The only real question is whether the cost you’re paying is aligned with the life you’re meant to live.