There comes a point in the journey of faith where you stop trying to fix yourself and finally admit:
“I can’t feel anything anymore.”
In my last post, The Anatomy of a Hard Heart, I shared the quiet signs of spiritual and emotional shutdown. What it looks like when pain piles up and the heart begins to go numb. I wrote it not as a how-to or even as a confession, but as a witness. Because sometimes, simply naming the wound is holy work.
But naming the wound is only the beginning.
What happens after the numbness?
How do we start to feel again?
This is the hard part. Because the truth is, there’s no quick fix.
But there is an antidote.
What Doesn’t Heal a Hard Heart
Let’s begin with what doesn’t work.
These are the strategies I reached for first because they felt safe, spiritual, or efficient. But each one only deepened the disconnection:
- Distraction – I stayed busy. I filled my schedule, hoping movement would mimic healing. It didn’t.
- Spiritualizing – I doubled down on “quiet time,” trying to pray my way out of pain I hadn’t yet dared to feel.
- Suppression – I convinced myself that sadness and anger were signs of weak faith, so I buried them deeper.
- Performance – I kept leading, teaching, parenting, pretending—until even the pretending felt hollow.
As psychologist and trauma expert Deb Dana writes:
“We move toward healing not by pushing harder, but by connecting deeper.”
The path forward wasn’t through effort, it was through surrender.
The Anatomy of the Antidote
There’s no pill for a hardened heart. But there is a path. And while it’s rarely linear or easy, it is proven to bring the heart back to life.
Here’s what I’m learning that actually softens the heart:
1. Safe Connections
Attachment researcher Dr. Sue Johnson says,
“We are wired for connection. When we sense that someone truly sees us and stays, our nervous system begins to settle.”
The brain’s healing centers only fully activate in environments of felt safety. That’s not just a clinical insight, it’s a spiritual truth. God designed us for love, not isolation. The heart heals in the presence of connection.
I stopped trying to “get over it” alone. I started letting trusted people into my pain. That was when something began to shift. I finally believed that God wasn’t disappointed in me. I realized He was actually drawing near to me. That’s when grace did what effort never could.
2. Honest Emotional Expression
A hard heart often comes from a silenced heart. Feelings we won’t name become feelings we can’t feel.
As Dr. Marc Brackett puts it, “If we don’t name our emotions, they will name us.”
For me, that meant admitting the grief, the rage, the despair. It meant giving up the role of strong spiritual leader and simply being a son who was hurting.
Sometimes that naming happened in therapy.
Sometimes it happened at the gym.
For me it often happened through writing.
But every time I gave the truth a voice, healing followed close behind.
3. Embodied Healing
Bessel van der Kolk reminds us: “Trauma isn’t stored as a story. It’s stored in the body.”
Healing isn’t just mental or spiritual, it’s also physical. This has been one of the biggest revelations for me: you can’t think your way out of trauma. The nervous system has to be regulated. The body needs to feel safe again.
Some tools that have helped:
- Slow, intentional breathing
- Trauma-informed therapy
- Grounding exercises
- Climbing, movement, and time in nature
- Rest: not just sleep, but deep, soul-level rest
These aren’t luxuries.
They are sacraments of healing: invitations to receive what both body and spirit deeply need.
4. Receiving, Not Achieving
In a world that rewards achievement, it’s radical to simply receive.
To stop proving.
To stop pushing.
To let love in…just as you are.
I spent years trying to earn my way back to joy.
But healing came when I finally gave up and let kindness hold me.
Peter Scazzero, author of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, warns:
“You can’t be emotionally stunted and expect to grow spiritually—or relationally, or creatively, or deeply at all.”
I had mastered survival.
But I hadn’t learned to surrender.
Healing began when I stopped trying to earn connection and started allowing it. Even in silence. Especially in silence.
How You Know You’re Healing
You might not even notice at first.
But healing shows up in quiet ways:
- You tear up during a song.
- You pause to feel the breeze again.
- You find yourself caring. Hoping. Trusting.
- You laugh without guilt.
- You forgive without needing to forget.
The hard heart softens not by force; but by presence.
First God’s, then others’, then your own.
Final Thoughts: Let Grace Do Its Work
Romans 2:4 says,
“It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance.”
It is kindness that softens us.
Not pressure.
Not shame.
Not theology weaponized against pain.
Kindness.
If your heart is hard today, you are not failing.
You are not broken beyond repair.
You are being invited gently, patiently, and tenderly back to life.
Let grace do its work.
Let your heart feel again.
And remember:
The antidote isn’t a technique or task.
It’s presence.
And it’s already with you
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