The Ridge Between Us: Navigating Promises and Presence in Family Life

Somewhere Between the Plans

When navigating presence, promises, and parenting, there’s a quiet moment that comes after disappointment. It hangs in the air like fog on a ridge line; thin, but heavy enough to obscure the way forward. That’s where we found ourselves the other night.

My daughter had made plans to go to the movies with her sister. Popcorn, previews, sisterhood; it was all set. Then came the text from her friends: bowling, lights, loud laughter, the kind of freedom only teenagers can make sparkle.

And just like that, she shifted her plans.

Her sister was hurt, understandably. And while my daughter didn’t mean to hurt anyone, this moment called for more than just a change of schedule; it called for a conversation about commitment, communication, and the invisible threads that tie us together.

What We Carry Matters More Than Where We Go

Plans are like trail markers; they help us move forward with intention. But it’s the way we walk and the values we carry, that determines whether the people we’re walking with feel safe and seen along the way.

This wasn’t about movies or bowling. It was about what it means to show up for people we love.

We talked about it, my daughter and I. Not in a lecture, but like trail mates reading a weather shift together. I shared with her that when we make a commitment to someone; especially in relationships built on trust, we carry a responsibility that’s deeper than convenience. It’s not about rigidly sticking to plans, but about recognizing the emotional impact of our choices.

Psychological Roots: Why Commitments Matter

Psychologist Dr. Brené Brown writes, “Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and it’s choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.” (Brown, 2018). That’s what we’re teaching when we help kids navigate moments like this: the practice of values over the pull of impulse.

Research shows that keeping commitments and developing follow-through are directly linked to the cultivation of empathy and trust (Sabbagh, Moses, & Shiverick, 2006). When a child honors their word, even when more exciting options appear, they are not just being “nice.” They are building relational muscles for adulthood. These include dependability, self-regulation, and social awareness.

In fact, the development of what psychologists call theory of mind (the ability to consider others’ perspective) grows significantly during middle childhood and adolescence (Wellman, 2014). These small, seemingly mundane moments? They’re reps at the gym of character formation.

The Conversation

I told my daughter something like this:

“When you make plans with someone, you’re not just agreeing to an activity. You’re making a promise with your presence. And if something changes that’s okay, but we have to pause long enough to ask, ‘How will this decision affect the other person?’ That’s maturity. That’s love.”

I could see her thinking. Not defensive, just reflective. That’s all I could ask for. That’s the heart of embracing vulnerability in faith and family. Read more about this here: The Soft Heart: Living Whole in a Numb World

After our talk, my daughter went to her sister. They had an honest conversation, shared their feelings, and were able to make new plans for another day. This wasn’t just about rescheduling a movie night; it was a real lesson in empathy, respect, and repairing relationships.

Teaching the Long Game

This world doesn’t always reward follow-through. We swipe left, we cancel with emojis, we make backup plans for our backup plans. But if we want our kids to become trustworthy adults, partners, friends, leader; we have to slow them down in moments like these and invite them to think bigger than the moment.

We’re not asking for perfection. We’re asking for presence.

A Trail Guide for Parents

Here’s what I’m learning…still, always as a dad:

• Slow the moment down. Disruption offers a window for reflection.
• Anchor the conversation in values. Frame the situation as a question of who they want to be, not just what they want to do.
• Offer the “why.” Help them see the emotional ripple effect their actions create.
• Celebrate insight. When they get it (even just a little) name it. That’s how insight becomes identity.

A Trail We Walk Together

These lessons aren’t just for our kids.

As parents, we make promises too. Sometimes they’re big; family vacations, bedtime rituals, traditions. Sometimes they’re small; “I’ll be there in five,” or “We’ll talk after dinner.” But they matter. Our follow-through becomes the ground our children learn to stand on.

I’ve had my fair share of stumbles; times I’ve promised activities and canceled because I was too tired, sick, or circumstances prevented it. Times I said I’d be fully present and wasn’t. And every time, I’m reminded that teaching commitment isn’t just about guiding them. It’s also about being the kind of person I hope they’ll become.

Our kids are watching not just how we hold them to their word, but how we hold ourselves to ours.

When we keep our commitments, we model trustworthiness. When we fail and repair, we model humility and grace. Either way, we’re showing them what it means to walk through this world with integrity.

That’s the trail I’m committed to walking. One step, one conversation, one promise at a time