What We Lost Along the Way: How Loss Shapes Our Growth

The Weight of the Pack

Every long hike begins the same way: with a pack heavy enough to question your judgment.
We start with everything we might need. Extra socks, backup batteries, snacks for every craving. There’s comfort in carrying abundance, in believing we’re prepared for every twist in the trail. But somewhere along the way, we begin to lose things. Some on purpose. Some by accident.

A glove slips from a pocket and rolls down the ridge. A tool gets left at camp. We lighten the load without meaning to.

By the time we make it back to the trailhead, the pack is different; leaner, simpler, and strangely truer to what we actually needed all along.

Life, I’ve found, works the same way. We don’t just lose people or possessions; we lose pieces of ourselves. Not the dramatic kind of loss that makes headlines, but the quiet kind that shapes the contours of who we become. Confidence worn down by criticism, patience eroded by hurry, curiosity buried under the weight of responsibility.

The losses that sneak in like fog, settling over the trail without announcement.

The Subtle Losses That Change Us

I can’t point to the exact moment I started losing things.
It wasn’t a single failure or heartbreak, more like slow weathering.

At twenty, I carried boldness like a banner.
In my thirties, I carried obligations like armor.
At forty, I realized both had grown heavy.

Somewhere along the climb, my pack filled with things I thought I needed: control, achievement, certainty. And in the process, I dropped the lighter things that once made the journey joyful; spontaneity, patience, play, the willingness to look foolish in pursuit of something true.

Psychologist Dan Siegel writes about what he calls “integration” the process of staying flexible and open even as life gets complex. He explains that mental health isn’t about control; it’s about connection. When we grow rigid, we lose the ability to adapt, to learn, to love fully (Siegel, 2012).

That’s what these small losses do: they make us rigid.
Less like rivers and more like stone.

And yet, not all loss is bad. Some things are meant to fall away.

The Weight We Were Right to Leave Behind

If you’ve backpacked long enough, you know the early days are marked by overpacking. You bring luxuries disguised as necessities: that third pair of boots, the full-size shampoo bottle, the book you swear you’ll read by the fire.

By the second day, the fantasy meets the incline. You start tossing things out to make it to the next ridge.

Life has its own version of that reckoning.
We lose illusions that once felt indispensable. The illusion of control, the need to be liked, the myth that strength means never being weak.

Psychologist Brené Brown calls this the practice of wholehearted living. She writes, “You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.”
Letting go of perfection and control isn’t failure; it’s wisdom earned through friction.

Some losses are mercy in disguise.
Like shedding soaked clothes after a storm. You don’t shed them because you didn’t need them once, but because you can’t keep moving unless you do.

When Knowledge Becomes Heavy Gear

I was teaching my college students recently when this idea hit me in full force.

We were discussing leadership (the kind that builds community rather than commands it) and I realized how animated they were. Hands raised. Questions everywhere. They challenged, debated, wondered aloud. Their curiosity filled the room like sunlight.

And in that moment, a quiet sadness surfaced.

I thought about how, as we grow older and gather experience, we trade curiosity for certainty.
We trade wonder for efficiency.
Questions for conclusions.
Collaboration for competence.

The irony is that knowledge, meant to open the world, can sometimes close it. We start thinking we’ve already seen the map. We stop exploring the parts still marked “unknown.”

Emotional intelligence begins with curiosity; the willingness to ask, “What am I feeling, and why?”

In the same way, intellectual humility is the courage to keep asking, “What might I be missing?” This question keeps our minds supple and our communities alive.

The more we acquire degrees, promotions, possessions, the less we often inquire.
And without curiosity, connection withers.

It’s no wonder our communities grow fractured. Collaboration depends on curiosity, and curiosity depends on humility. Without it, we stop seeing one another as co-hikers and start seeing one another as competition on the trail.

Maybe curiosity is one of those essential tools we drop without noticing. The compass that once helped us navigate toward wonder and connection. Without it, we can keep moving, but we lose our way.

Loss as a Teacher

Loss, in all its forms, has a strange way of shaping us.
It humbles our pace. It sharpens our priorities.

Lisa Feldman Barrett notes that emotions are “constructed experiences,” meaning they’re shaped by how we interpret what happens to us. Loss, then, isn’t just about what’s gone, it’s about what meaning we assign to it.

When we treat loss as a teacher instead of a thief, it transforms us.
Every dropped item on the trail becomes a lesson in discernment: What do I truly need to keep walking?

Viktor Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” The subtle losses of patience, innocence, curiosity invite that kind of change. They don’t just strip us bare; they make room for something deeper: gratitude, presence, grace.

Sometimes the things we lose teach us who we are becoming.
Sometimes what we mourn is not the object itself but the version of ourselves who carried it.

Between Loss and Growth

There’s a point on every trail where you stop to catch your breath.
You look back, realizing the distance you’ve covered and the parts of yourself you’ve left behind along the way.

That’s where reflection does its best work.

In The Shadow and the Summit, I wrote that “You can’t fully understand how trauma impacts you until you face it head on.” Self-reflection is just that. The moment when you stop to take inventory. What’s missing? What was worth losing? What might need to be recovered?

And sometimes, what needs to be recovered isn’t a thing at all; it’s a posture.

The posture of wonder, trust, and softness in a world that keeps telling you to harden.

In The Soft Heart I wrote, “A soft heart is not a fragile heart. It’s a healed one.”
That softness, too, can be lost chipped away by cynicism, busyness, fear. But it can also be found again, usually in the quiet spaces where we dare to stop performing and start paying attention

Relearning to Travel Light

I used to think spiritual maturity meant carrying more. More knowledge, more responsibility, more resolve. Now I think it means carrying less, but with greater intention.

It’s learning to distinguish between what’s weight and what’s ballast. Between what grounds you and what holds you down.

Dallas Willard once wrote that the greatest threat to spiritual life is activity unconnected to depth. In other words, we lose ourselves not from running out of energy, but from losing alignment.

So we recalibrate.
We stop and check the map.
We ask the hard question: What have I lost along the way, and what do I still need to lay down?

Some days, the answer is pride.
Other days, it’s resentment.
Often, it’s the fear of not being enough.

The trail teaches us that growth isn’t about speed; it’s about sustainability.
We were never meant to summit every mountain. Some are meant to teach us how to rest.

Rediscovering What Matters

Here’s what I know: the things we lose along the way don’t all stay lost.

Confidence returns in quieter forms. Not the boastful kind, but the steady kind that comes from showing up again and again.
Patience reemerges when we remember we can’t rush meaning.
Curiosity rekindles when we allow ourselves to be students again. Students of people, of pain, of grace.

And faith (that elusive mix of trust and surrender) often returns when we least expect it.
Usually when we’ve stopped trying to find it.

Dr. Sue Johnson writes, “We don’t need to fix the storm; we need to hold each other in it.”
That, I think, is the essence of rediscovering what matters.
It’s not about rebuilding the life we once had, but about holding space for the one we’re still becoming.

Loss clears the ground.
Love rebuilds it.

A Campfire at Dusk

Imagine this: the day is fading. The pack lies open beside you, half empty, half full. Around you, the forest hums with evening sounds.

You pull out what remains. The essentials: faith, curiosity, courage, a handful of names you love, a few lessons carved by pain.

You realize that everything you’ve lost has made room for what you now hold.
Lighter.
Freer.
More yourself than you were before.

You sit by the fire, grateful for the weight you no longer carry; and for the strength it took to let it go.

Because maybe growth isn’t measured by how much we gain, but by how much lighter we can travel without losing heart.

Reflection for the Trail Ahead

Take a few minutes to pause and ask yourself:

• What have I quietly lost along the way?
• Which losses were invitations to grow lighter?
• Which were signals to slow down and reclaim what matters?
• Where have I traded curiosity for certainty…and what might happen if I started asking questions again?
  

Write them down.
Pray them aloud.
Or simply hold them in the stillness of a long breath. Because the trail ahead isn’t about starting over.
It’s about walking forward: aware, awake, and willing to notice what you’ve gained through what you’ve lost.